december here we go

My current situation.

thanks for surprising me.

Mr. bukowski, I love you dearly- you’ve made even the darkest times bearable.

come play the driedel game over here in Berwyn.

I hadn’t seen this movie in a number of years, and I just now remember how much of a gem it really is. What is reality anyways? What defines the golden times from the ‘normal’ the ‘average’- what’s real. Why does real have to be something so much better than the rest? Why can’t it just be existance, like waking up, eating, brushing your teeth, getting it on with your friends, making dumb jokes, going to sleep. Can’t that be reality? Things always change, that I know, almost more than anything else I can count on is the fact that everything will be different and it is always going to keep moving whether with or without me- that  is for me to decide, though- and that’s all I have in the end really.

cigarette smoking doesn’t fix anything, it’s all a sham, and I fell for it.

NOVEMBER 19th 2009-

I can’t cure your loneliness and empty spaces I know, I’m living tonight with beirut, creating art, feeling my flow,  a needle in my hands, buttons and fabric by my feet, 100 degree fever, isn’t so sweet, I didn’t plan of word exchange, I didn’t plan because of the pain, don’t be my dog that I have to wane, myself from your energy, so that you are again your own, your life full circle sitting on your own thrown, we are kings and queens, of the inglorious land, the possibilities around us floating like grains of sand, slips through the fingers and past our brains, I wonder if we’ll meet again, I don’t want you to hurt, to become addicted, I’m no drug, don’t want to be your pain inflicted, when I cannot give I cannot meet, there’s many ways to go in this ever changing street. No matter the new words against the old, I’ll always love you as our stories unfold, it pains me so, chills me deep, when there’s evidence of your sadness, my heart does weep, don’t apologize, you are no burden, I just worry I’ll sicken you swollen, till you lean on the edge for my every word, balancing your heart on the second, hurt does occur, all I am saying is don’t be my prisoner, let yourself smile, your soul shimmer, I may change, I always do, but I’ll always be me, just as you’ll always be you, there’s no need for such worries, or for such resistance, to let the breeze take you forward, in lovely distance, the gold of the sun, the sapphire is the sea, my skin is the flesh color, that dances free. I’m not cold, I am here, I don’t hate you, shy your fear, I’m screaming though you can’t hear, my words read silent, as they appear, without sound, but I am speaking them, as I write this down, don’t say these things, I’m not brushing you away, I’m wishing you well, with so much heart, it’s hard to bear, but we are apart, my being, my emotion, I am aware, you’re forgetting why I said goodbye, why I finally left, for my own blue sky, you did so much that can’t be fixed, no matter the change, I won’t swim away, from where I am even though it’s not a place, I’m everywhere now, and that’s okay, so true that you adored me no matter my looks, my newly opened eyes, my heart was shook, you jump-started me out of depression, I was hooked, afraid you’d figure me all out, I felt un-worthy, in self doubt, you led me to care about my own fashions, you helped me to free my own passions, and then you turned around and crushed me, so many times, your feet on top me, I’ll never forget what you did, how you made my soul drop, my heart bled, so many times the bleeding didn’t stop, I became a no one sometimes, made my own heart drop, disliking myself, in chains in my life, so much to say, so much in sight. I’m not looking for others in the way you would think, I’m looking for people to join my link, I’m no slut no giving whore, I am a human, nothing more, we’re all beautiful flowers, if we try, although maybe I’m just a tulip in disguise, sometimes I wonder in self doubt, of my future and life, what it’s all about, the true roses I believe are rare, the true beauty, inside, you can’t stare, for there is nothing visual to see, but the color of spirit in the space continuity. That made me smile, even though still sad, it’s a promise easy to keep, because your in my heart, you’re there to sleep, inside my soul, forever more, you’re a piece to part of me, that makes me whole, even though physically apart, through my life, never torn apart, I don’t know what happened that day, all I had asked was to help get away, I couldn’t do it, not anymore, I had no part in fists or giving the sores, I can’t talk about it, not right now, it’s messed me up too, I don’t know how to make it un-done, but I always regret it, no matter no more if I tried to forget it, in the future if our paths cross, I will not react as though all’s lost, like I don’t know you, cause that’d be a lie, I’d try to smile but I’d probably cry, even through the hell of our rocky road, I’v always wanted peace, not to erode, either one of us, although apart, I’d rain warmth because you’re in my heart, your questioning promise, I want it too, even in the standstill of time, I’ll know it’s you, all my words are rhyming, I hope they make sense, because running lower on vocabulary I start to sound dense, repetition is out of fashion, don’t want my words to sound out of passion, every thing’s beautiful, the world’s beautiful. Yet another smile, as well as the sadness, let me try to write quickly, I know what you say, I know how you feel, how strongly it touches your body, meanings of steel, but all I know is that of time, and again and again you crossed the lines, the tracings of that which is my soul, you went right in, devoured me whole, back and forth just like a swing, you took a hit, I flew forward again, out in the open, all to bear, I kept going on, even after you’d swear, now that you’d never do it again, why I say no, I made it an end, don’t let my words carry you down, turn your frown upside down, even though what I say is true, try tonight not to be blue, I am your love always in my heart too, but I am me and you are you, I will not use you as a rug, to wipe my sorrows and be my hug’s, I am too good a person to do such a thing, I give myself credit for that at least in the end, I like your line about Dr. Seuss, he is my favorite the lorax, what a silly goose, I remember reading in many voices, his characters so profoundly in Virginia, so many choices of books to be read, on the stairs the stories said, many smart things disguised in nonsense, what you learn at five seems to stay as your conscience, I will always be here in a space in the world, just another sad-silly girl.

a picture speaks for 1000 words, life is an endless film strip, all pictures clashing together beneath seconds, endless words..you know?